So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
