My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
