My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
