watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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