I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
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I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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