Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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