I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
