Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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