Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
