i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
