he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just high enough for therapy.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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