If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
