What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
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Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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