Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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