I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
