I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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