One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
