Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
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Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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