Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
