1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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