she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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