We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
