i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.