No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.