Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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