She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
