a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
