hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
