if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
