I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
