I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
