well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
