I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
