True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
