I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Mom said you looked used
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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