I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
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I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
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PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize