peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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