it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
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Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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