also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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