I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
