I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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