I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
