I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
