i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
