im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
