a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
