party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
