Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
