Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
