looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
