My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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