this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
