My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
