Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
