I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
