I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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