I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
