so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
