I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
