laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
