someone threw a dead crab at me
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
