I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
