That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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