My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
