why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
